Contract of the Soul

I have a longing to be held in Mother Earth's arms.
In this dreary existence I want to feel seen, to be understood, to know.
The point of life feels far in distance, yet I appreciate being here.
I see the beauty in now,
But sometimes I just can't feel it penetrate my bones.

I want to lay on the ground and become one with the soil, With the roots beneath the surface.
I want to become the fecundity of life—
And in that is the grief of death, the rebirth, the life.
But I don’t get it.
I don’t understand this feeling of sadness I carry.

I feel so disconnected from the people in this world.
We don’t act like daughters of the moon and sons of the sun.
Where is the holiness of God in us?

I see the sun gleam through a cloud.
I drink it up with my eyes, with my nose—
Breathing in hope, seeing a future.
But I ache with emptiness.

And I can go there.
I can be alone and afraid—
But I don’t want to.
What's life without you, the other, someone else?
I am human and I am meant to connect.
This feeling is normal.

And yet, I have to grow independently.

Everyone is so sad.
Things must be done.
Pain stings.
And there are good moments—
But I don't want to live this way anymore.
Not like this.

I am stuck.
I must choose: 
To make it better, or to suffer.
I choose to make it better. 
But suffering pulls me down.

Why is my heart so cloudy?
Why is my womb emotive like a thunderstorm?

I have passion; I pulse with life.
I seek softness and love.
Rigid walls say, No, you can’t go there.

“Where?” I ask.

More. I want more.
My psyche knows something I do not.
I’m chasing a long-lost memory,
Daydreaming of a time before.

It’s in my soul.

I believe in heaven on earth.
It’s within me.

We are searching for something.
Trying to find our way.
I won’t back down.
I’ll let go.
I’ll just be here—

Wherever that is.

I do want to go home.
But I understand now— 
This place where there is not enough does not exist.
And the void I feel does not need to be filled.

I need to unravel into that space.

That’s what I’m here for, right?
To become.
Imperfectly.
In different sizes and shapes, 
Temperatures and textures.

This is not new to me.
It is real.

I knew this would happen, and I accepted it.
I just have to remember.

So I look to the stars.
I smell the flowers.
I follow pleasure, peace, joy.
I honor the cycles of my emotions
Like the inevitable seasons.

Maybe I am mourning.
So what if it’s for nothing?
I am here—
And that’s enough.

I will come to be with all that is.

In due time, I will be whole.
In due time, I will know my truth.
In due time, you and me will be one.
In due time, I will come home.